Getting Comfortable with Conflict
What are the first thoughts that come to your mind when you hear the word “conflict”? What about the emotions you most commonly associate with conflict? Chances are you immediately see images of the last argument you had with a neighbor or loved one flash before your eyes and that the mere recollection of them makes you shutter with anger, sadness, or pain.
Now take a moment and think through some other disputes you had that you were able to resolve walking away feeling relief, more respected, and heard. What was different? Are there common themes among these interactions that promoted a better resolution, such as, the type of relationship, feeling understood, or gaining new insight about the other person’s point-of-view? While there is a tendency for us to view conflict negatively, reflecting on those moments when we found “better ways” to handle our disputes shows us that conflict can indeed be positive. Hence, conflict is neither “good” or “bad”, but rather; a “neutral” situation that can affect us in positive or negative ways depending on how we view it and how we manage it.
So, where do these negative notions of conflict come from and why should we look at it differently? One way of explaining it is the accumulation of experience. We go through our lives being challenged, but often resolve them without even realizing it. However, there were moments when we felt “stuck” and when we tried to handle it in the ways that worked for us before; it backfired leaving us feeling trapped. As a result, we get stuck into a pattern of dealing with difficult situations with a sparse set of tools to handle conflict and an attitude that conflicts are generally unhealthy because someone ultimately loses physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually. Reminding ourselves that conflict is neutral is important not only to help us consider other ways to deal with conflict, but also to help us frame our conflicts as opportunities for growth.
How can growth be achieved through conflict? First, when a conflict occurs, it is crucial to take a step back from the situation and consider what is going on before it goes down a destructive path. Think about whether the issues under debate are truly important to you both. If they are, is it the right time to talk about it? That is, are emotions running high or is there little time right now? If either is the case, postpone your conversation for a better time.
When things calm down and there is ample time, the key to conversation is to listen. Rather than just speaking your mind, focus your effort in understanding the other person’s perception of the situation. Is it really about spending money or not having money to spend? Do they really not like your friends or are they afraid of not fitting in with them. By listening to the other’s needs and concerns while expressing yours, you help move the conversation from destructive dialogue to creating an arena of generating new thoughts and ideas on how to move beyond conflict based on a better understanding of each other’s points-of-view.
Conflicts vary in complexity and intensity in which some are easier to manage than others. However, by enabling ourselves to “act” positively rather than “react” negatively, we can break the destructive cycle of conflict and promote a positive climate of development for ourselves and our relationships.
Randy Duque, MA is the Court & Community Services Manager at Good Shepherd Mediation Program
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